When speaking of love, we often mistake it for a desire to be fulfilled. But love isn’t something that must be fulfilled or accomplished, love just has to be present. The closer you get to yourself and the light within you that shines love, the more you can experience love to be present in every moment.
Yet, when it comes to love, we often do feel desire and the wish for somebody to make us feel something that we think is true love. We search for a partner and think that being together will make us feel complete and whole, while in actuality, both should be whole already. Being together just gives you the opportunity to share that wholeness with each other and experience love on a completely different level. To become whole and complete as a person, is something you will have to do alone, and this is the real challenge.
My experience with past relationships taught me a great deal about how and why I should love myself first, before I love another. I am a giver much more than I am a taker, what led me to unhealthy and unbalanced relationships. I would accept things so far beyond my boundaries, because I rather wanted to be the one hurting, knowing that I could cope with it. I wanted to take it all on my shoulders and I didn’t want to lose what I had, since it was pretty okay. I’d love them too much for it and maybe that is what made me feel a woman: to take the emotional burden. Mostly I wouldn’t even feel the need to talk, because I was smart enough to understand that it wouldn’t matter. It wouldn’t change the situation; it was just the way it was. But that is just running away from myself and my fears, and when the pile starts growing bigger and bigger, and you don’t get any recognition or appreciation for the burdens that are carried for the both of you, it will break you and slam you down. Then and only then… I would blame the other for not seeing or loving me for how I wished to be seen and loved. The older I got, the more aware I became of the behavior I kept showing and it became a repetitive cycle that I couldn’t get out of. I tried many different things to regain balance within myself and between me and the one I loved. But until I heal the parts within me that bring forth uncontrolled negative emotions, I will always project my fears onto the other person. I will blame the other for what I cannot give to myself. These fears, which are personal and differ per person, are not just something you project onto your partner; this is something that gets projected onto everything in the outside world. It just comes in all kinds of different forms and relationships with people. They are a reflection of you… like a mirror. Good or bad traits.
Being conscious and aware of the struggle you have with yourself is not enough, even if you are willing to change it. In a relationship, it takes two. You cannot expect somebody else to help fix or heal you if that particular person is the one that triggers your unhealed parts, and you can never be the only one that is willing to heal while the other person is cool with their toxicity. You should both be willing to work on yourself. In a relationship, you should grow together. You should support each other in your personal battles and share the weight you carry on your shoulders. When you are not moving together, you will be staying in a comfort zone that will not take you anywhere and it makes you undermine your own inner power and strength. Together you create synergy and this can make true magic happen. But as long as you are unhealed yourself, you will attract unhealed partners and they will project their fears onto you as well. These are the toxic relationships that most of us are familiar with. To break this chain… the battle of loneliness has to come in first and this, unfortunately, is hardly a fight anyone wants to take up.
Today we know many different kinds of relationships and, honestly, all of you are blessed. It is not up to me to tell you what is right or wrong, or how a relationship should look like. Though, in my personal opinion, I still believe in the ‘old school’ way of a man and a woman, coming together in energetic alignment. And whatever your gender identity or expression, or relational composition, there should always be an energetic balance. Like the masculine and the feminine, Yin and Yang symbolism and the Adam and Eve example.
I personally think that most of us get confused and are afraid, because they become attached. A particular person can make you feel some kind of way you cannot describe and next thing you know; love turns you blind. You want this feeling to be soothed so badly, that you would do anything for it, even if it goes beyond your limits. Even if reality gets twisted. This is your ego-self wanting to be satisfied. Short term. But this is nothing like true love, and yet, often we do not even want to believe that. We are stuck in the blindness and it gets addictive. To face yourself, your truths and your fears, takes a lot of courage. For many of us it takes years and to be honest, most people don’t even get out of it in their lifetime. It is easier to choose the sidetrack, which is safe and familiar and eases your desires every once in a while. But you will always keep hurting yourself and others around you if you don’t heal and you’ll just keep on attracting the same toxic energy. However, true love, on the long term… it is worth the battle and the fight. I know this in my heart to be true.
It is not easy to be alone, whether you choose to or not. My mother is my greatest example in choosing herself above everything else that was less than she deserved. Then she met my amazing dad. She taught and still teaches me how to stand up for myself and to know that I’m worth a lot more than I accepted until now. And yes, you will have to get soul-naked and take up the challenge to make yourself a whole on your own. Communicate and become vulnerable in order to understand yourself and the fears you are facing. The expression of your feelings by itself is healing already. Sit with yourself and learn about yourself. Forgiveness for past mistakes and the acceptance for who you are, are primary and essential parts of healing. Acknowledge your feelings and ask: what are my needs? What makes me happy? How am I complete all by myself, when nobody is around? How can I take care of myself and love myself, like nobody else ever can? Offer yourself comfort. This is true detachment and will bring forth peace and happiness within you; something that can never be touched. Because; the only thing in life that can never be taken away from you is you. If you can take care of your own and can love yourself truly and sincerely, you are unstoppable. And imagine finding the right person after that… you will be unstoppable together on a level you cannot even comprehend at this moment. This is just as true for men as it is for women. We should all be able to show and express our deepest emotional feelings in order for us to become a better person to ourselves and to others. Break yourself down and dare to look inside, because you should never search for love in the outside world, search for love within. All you will ever need is already there. Trust yourself and the Universe to love you fully for who you truly are so that, ultimately, you can love another fully for who they truly are. Unconditionally.